PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS to Be More ATTRACTIVE & CHARMING | Vanessa Van Edwards
Summary
Vanessa Van Edwards discusses communication styles, emphasizing the Platinum Rule (treating others as they want to be treated) over the Golden Rule. She explains the origins of communication styles from age three and delves into the trait of neuroticism, highlighting how understanding individual differences, like high vs. low neuroticism, can improve relationships. Edwards also explores the rise of AI in communication, the nuances of human connection that AI struggles to replicate, and practical strategies for building trust and charisma through body language, vocal tone, and even scent. Finally, she addresses imposter syndrome, reframing it as a sign of growth and offering advice on improving self-talk by focusing on liking others rather than impressing them.
Key Insights
Communication styles are formed early and can be understood through personality traits like neuroticism.
Communication styles begin forming around age three, and research following individuals for 25 years shows remarkable consistency. Personality traits, such as neuroticism (emotional stability), influence how individuals experience the world and communicate. High neurotics are more sensitive to negative experiences, while low neurotics recover quickly. Understanding these differences, like the contrast between high and low neuroticism, is crucial for effective communication and applying the Platinum Rule: treating others as they wish to be treated, not as you wish to be treated. This insight emphasizes that individual wiring, not just upbringing, shapes communication.
AI can augment communication, but genuine human connection relies on nuances AI can't yet replicate.
While AI can assist in drafting charismatic emails or reading articles in one's voice, it struggles with the subtle intonations, emphasis, and vocal power that define genuine human communication. The essence of human interaction lies in the speaker's intentionality behind word emphasis, which AI, lacking context, often misses. The video suggests AI can be a tool for improving communication efficiency and crafting more effective messages, but it cannot replace the authentic expression of warmth and competence that makes human interaction compelling. It also highlights that AI can help practice communication skills through writing first.
Trust and connection are built rapidly through subtle cues and alignment in communication.
First impressions and trust are formed within seconds, driven by our brain's need for shortcuts and authenticity checks. Physical alignment, such as angling towards someone (fronting) and maintaining 60-70% eye contact, signals engagement and respect. Genuine smiles reaching the upper cheek muscles are key indicators of authenticity. While vocal alignment (matching another's tone and cadence) is an advanced technique, recognizing mismatches between words, tone, and body language (like contempt, a one-sided mouth raise, or contradictory gestures and words) can reveal insincerity or discomfort. Understanding personal patterns and baselines is vital for both detecting deception and self-awareness.
Imposter syndrome can be reframed as a positive sign of growth and overcome by focusing on liking others.
Imposter syndrome, the feeling of not being worthy despite success, is reframed as a sign that one is pushing boundaries and growing. Instead of trying to impress others (which creates immense pressure), the key to likability and overcoming imposter syndrome is to focus on genuinely liking and finding reasons to appreciate the people you interact with. Popularity studies show that individuals who liked the most people were the most popular. This shift in focus from self-presentation to genuine connection alleviates pressure and fosters authentic relationships, indicating that the desire to be liked is a fundamental human need.
Sections
Understanding Communication Styles and Personality
Communication styles begin forming around age three, influenced by personality traits.
Research shows that communication styles, like the use of exclamation points or emojis, are largely established by age three. Caregivers rate children's personalities, and these ratings show a high correlation with the individuals' self-perceptions decades later, suggesting these styles become ingrained.
High-competent communicators find exclamation points painful; high-warm communicators love them.
Highly competent individuals might perceive exclamation points as overly enthusiastic or loud, whereas highly warm individuals embrace them and use emojis and enthusiastic words like 'wow' or 'yay'.
The Platinum Rule prioritizes treating others as they wish to be treated.
Vanessa Van Edwards advocates for the Platinum Rule (treat others as they want to be treated) over the Golden Rule (treat others as you want to be treated), especially when dealing with differing personality styles.
Neuroticism is a trait related to emotional stability and sensitivity to negative experiences.
Neuroticism is one of the Big Five personality traits. High neurotics are more reactive to their environment and have less internal emotional stability, sensing negative experiences more strongly due to slower serotonin processing. Low neurotics are more emotionally stable and recover quickly from stressful events.
High neurotics prevent crises; low neurotics navigate them calmly.
High neurotics are proactive in preventing potential crises by planning extensively. Low neurotics are calm and level-headed during crises, making them reliable in stressful situations. Both traits are valuable and complementary.
Tailoring communication based on personality is key to effective relationships.
Understanding a person's communication style and personality traits, such as their level of neuroticism, allows for adjustments in communication. For instance, a high-neurotic child might need advance notice of plans, while a low-neurotic child might be allowed more independence due to their resilience.
Understanding worry triggers and preferred worry styles is vital for supporting others.
For high neurotics, identifying worry triggers and respecting their preferred worry style (verbalizing for extroverts, retreating for introverts) is crucial. Forcing an introvert to talk or shutting down an extrovert's verbalization can be detrimental.
Low neurotics may not understand the intensity of high neurotic experiences.
Phrases like 'calm down' can be unhelpful to high neurotics. Low neurotics, while meaning well, may not grasp the depth of negative experiences felt by high neurotics and should explain their triggers and preferred ways of worrying when they are calm.
The Impact and Nuances of AI in Communication
AI struggles to replicate human nuances like intonation and emphasis.
Deepfake technology, even with extensive audio data, fails to capture the precise intonation and emphasis that humans naturally use to convey meaning and helpfulness, indicating AI's current limitations in replicating genuine human speech.
AI can offer practical communication support, like reading articles or drafting emails.
AI can be used to make articles accessible by voice or to draft charismatic emails by combining warmth and competence, saving time and effort. It can help users learn to communicate more effectively by providing polished drafts.
Charisma combines high warmth and high competence, which AI can help achieve.
Charisma is defined as a blend of warmth (connection, happiness) and competence (efficiency, power). AI can assist by suggesting specific words, emojis, and formatting to balance these elements, creating more charismatic communication drafts.
Practicing communication skills should progress from text to in-person interactions.
It is recommended to practice communication skills starting with writing, progressing through chat, text, email, video, phone calls, and finally in-person interactions, as mastering these skills in simpler formats builds confidence for more complex ones.
Four channels convey warmth and competence: words, body language, voice, and ornaments.
These four channels—verbal communication, non-verbal cues (gestures, posture, facial expressions), vocal qualities (cadence, tone, volume), and personal presentation (clothing, background)—offer numerous opportunities to express warmth and competence.
There are 96 potential communication cues to utilize for effective interaction.
Van Edwards has identified and categorized 96 specific cues across the four communication channels that individuals can consciously use to enhance their warmth and competence, allowing for tailored expression.
Building Trust, Connection, and Navigating Social Situations
Fear is contagious and hinders charisma; laughter can shift chemistry.
Research shows fear is contagious; being anxious makes charisma almost impossible. Engaging in laughter releases endorphins, improves mood, and can rapidly shift one's chemistry, making it a powerful tool before social interactions.
Avoiding anxiety-inducing situations and using 'wingmen' can help manage social anxiety.
It's beneficial to avoid social events that cause significant anxiety. If attendance is necessary, having a 'wingman' or friend can provide support and ease the experience. Laughter is also recommended to improve one's state before entering a situation.
Scent plays a significant, often subconscious, role in attraction and connection.
Natural scents, including those related to emotional states like fear, play a role in attraction. Studies on smell dating and shirt-smelling indicate that our sense of smell subconsciously influences compatibility and attraction, even differentiating siblings' scents as unattractive.
The handshake-to-nose touch suggests an subconscious desire to chemically assess others.
A hypothesis suggests that after a handshake, people subconsciously touch their nose or face within seconds to chemically assess the other person, possibly seeking compatibility or detecting fear, as scent is the only sense that can work in close proximity.
Food-related scents, like vanilla or popcorn butter, can foster trust and attraction.
Food-related scents, particularly vanilla, are associated with happiness, safety, and trust. Experiments show that smelling like popcorn butter can elicit positive comments, suggesting that pleasant, food-related scents can enhance attractiveness, especially for men.
Trust is built within seconds through physical alignment and positive cues.
Trust is established rapidly by showing physical alignment (angling towards someone, appropriate eye contact, genuine smiles) and demonstrating that you are fully engaged and on the same 'page' as the other person. This alignment signals respect and connection.
Genuine smiles, characterized by upper cheek muscle activation, indicate authentic happiness.
An authentic smile involves the activation of upper cheek muscles, creating crow's feet. This involuntary muscle engagement is hard to fake and signals genuine happiness, whereas smiles only engaging the mouth muscles can appear forced or insincere.
Vocal alignment involves subtly matching another's vocal tone and cadence.
Vocal alignment is an advanced technique where one subtly mirrors the vocal tone, pitch, and cadence of the person they are speaking with, showing empathy and connection. This is often done unconsciously to match the perceived most powerful person in the room.
Mismatches between words, tone, and body language are red flags for distrust.
Incongruence, such as saying 'happy' with an unhappy expression or shaking one's head 'no' while saying 'yes', indicates a mismatch. Contempt, a one-sided mouth raise, is a strong predictor of relationship failure. These inconsistencies suggest something is amiss.
Liars often struggle with tenses and tend to have fewer or incongruent gestures.
Deceivers may mix up verb tenses when recounting events and often display fewer or disconnected gestures, as lying is mentally taxing. They might grip their hands or exhibit inconsistencies between their words and physical expressions.
Identifying personal tells through self-recording helps in self-awareness and honesty.
Recording oneself telling truths and lies (e.g., recalling breakfast vs. making up a story) helps identify personal behavioral tells (gestures, vocal patterns). This self-awareness is valuable for recognizing when one might be lying to oneself or enabling others' behaviors.
Vocal cues like question inflections can signal a lack of confidence or competence.
Using a question inflection at the end of statements (common in Canadian and New Zealand accents) can be perceived as less competent. Asking questions like 'Can you guess which one is a lie?' can also be a subtle sign of deception or seeking validation.
Using communication skills for good involves intention and authenticity.
While communication cues can be used manipulatively, Vanessa Van Edwards emphasizes using them for positive influence. She believes that individuals with bad intentions will eventually be caught, as authentic good intention is difficult to fake consistently.
Self-talk can be improved by focusing on liking others rather than impressing them.
Imposter syndrome can be managed by shifting focus from trying to impress others to genuinely liking them. Studies show popular individuals excel at listing people they like, demonstrating that focusing on connection rather than self-promotion builds likability and confidence.
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