Summary
Vanessa Van Edwards, a behavioral researcher, explains how to make a great first impression by focusing on perceived warmth and competence, not just actual traits. First impressions are formed in seconds based on subtle social cues (cues) transmitted through words, non-verbals, voice, and ornaments. Understanding and strategically using positive cues can build trust and connection, while negative cues hinder it. She offers practical advice on signaling warmth (e.g., touch, happy hello) and competence (e.g., palm flash, visible hands) and how to manage nervousness by focusing on others and embracing vulnerability.
Key Insights
First impressions are built on perceived warmth and competence, not just reality.
The crucial aspect of presence, which underpins first impressions, relies on how warm and competent you are perceived to be, not necessarily your actual traits. To make a memorable and effective impression, it's essential to clearly signal these qualities through your outward expressions. Even if you are genuinely trustworthy and capable, failing to communicate these attributes will mean others won't believe them.
Social cues operate in a cycle of decoding, internalizing, and encoding.
When interacting with others, we first decode the social signals (cues) they send. We then internalize these cues, which affects our emotional state. Finally, we encode our own social signals back to others. This cycle means that a negative cue from someone else can trigger nervousness and anxiety in us, which we then broadcast back, potentially creating a difficult interaction. Conversely, sending positive cues can foster connection and trust.
Labeling emotions disarms their power and prevents emotional hijacking.
Research shows that emotions are contagious, and seeing fearful or angry faces can activate our own amygdala. However, learning to verbally label these emotions (e.g., identifying anger or fear) disengages the amygdala, preventing us from being overwhelmed by the emotion. This ability to label and understand cues is empowering and helps to stop negative emotions from hijacking our responses.
Sections
The Importance of First Impressions
First impressions form the foundation of any interaction.
A great first impression in the initial seconds makes the entire interaction smoother. Conversely, an awkward or disengaged first impression makes building a connection much harder.
Key goals in the first few seconds are presence and trust.
The aim is to establish presence, making yourself memorable and effective, and to build trust. The clearer you can signal these, the easier the subsequent interaction will be.
First impressions begin the moment someone sees you, not when you speak.
Contrary to a common myth, your first impression is formed from the very first moment someone lays eyes on you, often within seconds or even less than a second, before any words are exchanged.
Understanding Presence: Warmth and Competence
Presence is based on perceived warmth and competence.
Based on research by Dr. Susan Fisk, presence has two key elements: warmth (trust, likability, openness) and competence (effectiveness, capability, productivity). When meeting someone, we quickly assess these two qualities.
Humans assess trustworthiness and reliability.
The two fundamental questions people try to answer about you are 'Can I trust you?' (warmth) and 'Can I rely on you?' (competence). Establishing this quickly makes your presence more memorable and effective.
Perceived, not actual, warmth and competence matter most.
It's crucial that you clearly signal your warmth and competence. Even if you are highly competent and trustworthy, if you don't outwardly express these traits effectively, others will not perceive them.
Align inner intention with outer expression.
The goal isn't to fake confidence, but to ensure your internal intentions match your external expressions, clearly communicating your warmth and competence.
The Four Channels of Social Cues
Words are the most used channel but not the only one.
Our words communicate ideas and also signal our warmth and competence. However, they are just one of four channels through which we send social signals.
Non-verbal cues convey trust and reliability.
Body language, facial expressions, and gestures are powerful non-verbal cues that signal warmth, competence, and reliability or knowledge.
Vocal tonality significantly impacts perception.
How you say your words—your volume, pace, and cadence—matters just as much as the words themselves in signaling warmth and competence.
Ornaments and props add subtle signals.
Items like clothing colors, jewelry, background elements, and props in photos can also subtly signal warmth and competence.
Positive vs. Negative Cues and The Cue Cycle
Positive cues encourage connection and engagement.
These cues are essential for making a great first impression and help stimulate connection and engagement between people.
Negative cues signal disinterest and create friction.
Negative cues indicate disinterest or discomfort, leading to more difficult and friction-filled interactions.
The cue cycle: Decode, Internalize, Encode.
We first decode cues from others (read the room), then internalize them (affecting our safety and emotional state), and finally encode our own signals back. For example, decoding social rejection leads to internalizing feeling unsafe and encoding nervousness.
Negative cues can cause physiological and behavioral changes.
A study showed that participants who received cues of social rejection experienced increased field of vision and dilated pupils, as their body prepared for perceived danger and encoded nervousness and anxiety.
Encoding positive cues builds rapport and trust.
The goal in first impressions is to encode positive cues of warmth and competence, leading others to internalize trust and reliability, and ideally, to send similar positive cues back.
Debunking the 93% Non-Verbal Myth
The 93% non-verbal communication statistic is overgeneralized.
The Albert Mehrabian study, often cited to claim 93% of communication is non-verbal, is difficult to repeat and has been overgeneralized. While non-verbal signals are crucial, pinpointing an exact percentage is problematic.
Non-verbal cues are key for detecting authenticity.
Humans often look to non-verbal signals to gauge authenticity. For instance, if someone says they are happy to see you, you're more likely to believe their non-verbal expression than their words.
Intentional cues put you in control.
Being purposeful with your cues helps put people at ease, makes them feel safe, and encourages them to open up. It also gives you a sense of control and confidence.
Managing Negative Cues and Emotional Contagion
Labeling emotions helps disengage the amygdala.
According to research by Dr. Matthew Lieberman, verbally labeling emotions like anger or fear when observing them can disengage the amygdala, preventing you from catching and being overwhelmed by those emotions.
Learning to label cues is empowering.
The ability to label and identify social cues is a powerful tool for managing your emotional responses and preventing negative cues from hijacking your state.
Understanding Punctuators
Punctuators are habitual, unconscious non-verbal cues.
A punctuator is a frequent, often unconscious, facial expression or gesture used by a person, like a surprise micro-expression (widened eyes, open mouth), which might signal curiosity or happiness, not necessarily surprise.
Identify your own and others' punctuators.
To understand punctuators, watch videos of yourself or colleagues on silent to identify recurring non-verbal habits. Recognizing these patterns in yourself and others is the first step to mastering cues.
Warmth Cues for First Impressions
Greetings involve touch to create connection.
Physical greetings like handshakes, cheek kisses, fist bumps, high fives, or hugs are instinctive ways to initiate touch, which triggers the release of oxytocin.
Oxytocin is the chemical of connection.
Skin-to-skin touch releases oxytocin, a chemical that fosters feelings of connection, rapport, and trust, which is precisely what's needed for warmth in a first impression.
Choose the right greeting for the context.
Options range from handshakes (1-3 pumps) to cheek kisses or high fives. The amount of touch influences oxytocin levels: hugs > handshakes > high fives. Select what's comfortable and culturally appropriate.
The 'Happy Hello' combats nervousness.
A common mistake is holding your breath and speaking in a high, anxious tone. Practice a 'happy hello' by exhaling on the greeting, using a smile, and speaking in your natural voice range. This relaxes vocal cords and signals warmth.
Competence Cues for First Impressions
Showing palms signals openness and honesty.
Making your palms visible, through actions like a 'palm flash' (e.g., 'Good to see you'), signals that you are not hiding anything and are open to the interaction. This is an ancient signal of trust.
Visible hands build trust and reduce suspicion.
Keeping your hands visible—avoiding pockets, purses, or hiding them behind objects—prevents subconscious worry about hidden intentions. Seeing your hands reassures others of your openness and trustworthiness.
Sweet Spot Cues: Gaze
Gaze produces oxytocin and signals connection.
Making eye contact also triggers oxytocin, similar to touch. It's a crucial way to build connection, especially in cultures where touch is less common or when a handshake isn't possible.
Target 60-70% eye contact in Western cultures.
In Western cultures, aim for about 60-70% eye contact. It's natural to look away occasionally, especially when processing information. Maintain eye contact during key points of conversation for both parties.
Body Language for Connection
Fronting shows physical alignment and respect.
Fronting means angling your torso, toes, and head towards the person you're speaking with. This non-verbal signal of respect indicates you are physically aligned and can connect more deeply.
Blocking creates barriers and signals closed-mindedness.
Crossing your arms or holding objects in front of your torso (blocking) creates a barrier, signals closed-mindedness, and hinders open connection. Research suggests prolonged arm-crossing can even impact one's own thinking.
Openness of the torso signals willingness to connect.
Keeping your torso open, without blocking, signals openness to the other person and can even help foster clearer thinking. Avoid holding items like books or mugs directly in front of your body.
Managing Nervousness and Imperfection
Projecting warmth and competence is contagious.
When you show up as warm and competent, your signals can positively influence others, helping them feel more at ease and also warm and competent.
Focus on putting others at ease.
A strategy to manage your own nervousness is to focus outward on making others comfortable. This can alleviate your own self-consciousness.
Realness and vulnerability are aspects of warmth.
The goal isn't a perfect impression but to be real and human. Expressing vulnerability, like admitting to nervousness or being a 'recovering awkward person', is a sign of warmth.
Practicing Cues Strategically
Start practicing cues on the phone.
Begin with your voice and words. Practice the 'happy hello' when answering the phone to improve your vocal delivery.
Progress to video calls.
On video, incorporate gaze (looking at the camera) and the palm flash, as touch isn't an option. Oxytocin can even be produced via webcam.
Transition to low-pressure in-person interactions.
Practice with trusted friends or family first. Try greetings like hugs, get feedback on your handshake, and practice fronting when they speak.
Embrace initial discomfort for lasting habit.
Some cues might feel uncomfortable initially, like retraining muscle memory. However, with practice and positive feedback, they become natural habits.
Choose cues that feel authentic.
Select starter cues that have a significant impact. If a cue doesn't feel natural after several attempts (5-10 times), don't force it; authenticity is key to confidence.
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