The narcissist's game of deflection
Summary
This video deconstructs common manipulative tactics used by narcissists: projection, gaslighting, and triangulation. Projection involves attributing one's own unacceptable thoughts/feelings to others as a defense mechanism. Gaslighting is the denial or distortion of another's reality to induce self-doubt and confusion. Triangulation involves manipulating relationships by introducing a third party to foster chaos, control, and division. Understanding these tactics is crucial for recognizing and navigating relationships with narcissistic individuals.
Key Insights
Projection is a primitive defense mechanism where unacceptable traits are attributed to others.
Projection involves a person, unaware it's a conscious process, attributing their own unacceptable thoughts, behaviors, or feelings onto someone else. This defense protects their ego by keeping uncomfortable or threatening unconscious material hidden.
Gaslighting is the deliberate or non-deliberate doubting of another person's reality.
Simply put, gaslighting is the process of making someone question their own reality, perception, or sanity. This can be achieved through denial, contradiction, manipulation, and other tactics designed to induce confusion and self-doubt.
When gaslit, resist defending yourself; instead, internally affirm your reality and note the manipulation.
If experiencing gaslighting, avoid engaging in arguments or defending yourself. Instead, maintain an internal stance on your reality, show a neutral expression ('Mona Lisa smile'), and mentally acknowledge the gaslighting. Recognize that vulnerability should not be shared with such individuals, as they will weaponize it.
Triangulation is a non-consensual psychological threesome used by narcissists to control situations.
Triangulation is a manipulative tactic where a narcissist involves a third party in a dynamic between two people. They use this to create chaos and then position themselves as the problem-solver or hero, thereby controlling the situation and individuals involved.
Blocking triangulation involves preventing dissent and fostering unity among those being manipulated.
To counter triangulation, individuals must refuse to be drawn into the narcissist's divisive tactics. This means siblings banding together, colleagues uniting against a toxic leader, or recognizing the game when comparisons are made. Recognizing the pattern and questioning the desire to be part of such dynamics is key.
Accusing others of lying and manipulation is a defense mechanism.
When someone is accused of the very behaviors they themselves engage in, it's a primitive defense called projection, not necessarily conscious gaslighting.
Recognizing projection can offer a 'useful parlor trick'.
If accusations are inaccurate, they reflect the projector's own internal state. For instance, being called jealous may indicate the accuser is jealous.
Projection can be a sign of the projector's own behaviors.
False accusations, such as infidelity, may indicate the projector is considering or engaging in that behavior themselves.
Infidelity can be a form of triangulation.
The narcissist may use an extramarital affair to destabilize the partner, justifying it by claiming unmet needs.
Sections
Introduction to Narcissistic Behavior and Defenses
Narcissists crave attention, validation, power, and control, reveling in chaos and using people as puppets.
Narcissists are driven by a need for control and validation, thriving on creating and managing chaos. They view relationships and environments as a chessboard, manipulating people and situations to feed their sense of power and control.
Projection is a primitive defense mechanism where unacceptable traits are attributed to others.
Projection involves a person, unaware it's a conscious process, attributing their own unacceptable thoughts, behaviors, or feelings onto someone else. This defense protects their ego by keeping uncomfortable or threatening unconscious material hidden.
Defenses protect the ego but become problematic when they are the primary way of relating to the world.
Psychological defenses, like those described by Freud, act as screens to protect the ego from uncomfortable truths or primitive conflicts. While normal and used by everyone intermittently, they become problematic when an individual over-relies on them, making them their primary mode of interaction with the world.
Narcissists rely heavily on defenses due to fragile egos, with projection being a classical and favored defense.
For narcissists, whose egos are inherently fragile, defenses are constantly employed to prevent their core vulnerability from being threatened. Projection is identified as their most classical and deeply ingrained defense mechanism, stemming from their profound insecurity and ego vulnerability.
Projection is an unconscious process, often surprising the recipient with false accusations.
The process of projection is not conscious for the projector. Unacceptable thoughts or feelings are expelled rapidly and unconsciously, much like becoming physically ill. The accusations or statements made during projection often seem ridiculous, awful, false, and confusing to the recipient.
When confronted, narcissists may gaslight or label the accuser as crazy, denying ownership of the projection.
Because projection is an unconscious defense, the narcissist who projects does not take ownership of it. If the recipient attempts to defend themselves or make sense of the projection, the narcissist is likely to resort to gaslighting, accusing the other person of being paranoid or insane.
Projection is a universal and integral component of the narcissistic personality pattern.
Freud and other prominent narcissism theorists, like Otto Kernberg, have extensively detailed the significance of projection in understanding the narcissistic personality style. It is considered a fundamental and universal defense mechanism employed by virtually all narcissists.
While everyone projects sometimes, narcissists lack restorative work; they move to denial or other defenses.
All individuals engage in projection occasionally, especially when feeling vulnerable or fatigued. However, unlike most people who might apologize and empathize when corrected, narcissists typically do not engage in restorative actions. Instead, they often proceed to another defense, like denial, further reinforcing their stance.
Recognizing projection can be empowering and reveal the narcissist's inner world.
Projection can be confusing, but recognizing it as a defense mechanism is empowering. Instead of defending oneself, pausing to reflect reveals the accusation as data about the narcissist's inner experience. For example, if accused of anger when not angry, the narcissist is likely angry themselves.
Projection, especially inaccurate accusations, can indicate the narcissist's own hidden thoughts or behaviors.
When a narcissist projects untrue accusations, such as infidelity or lying, it can be an indicator that they are contemplating or engaging in that very behavior themselves. Their accusations often mirror what they are experiencing or desiring internally.
The projector is often unaware, making direct discussion of projection unproductive.
While the term 'projection' is becoming more common, the individual doing the projecting, narcissist or not, is typically unaware of their actions. Therefore, attempting to discuss or explain projection to them is usually fruitless and a waste of psychological energy.
Narcissists use projection to shield their fragile ego from shameful or unacceptable internal content.
Projection serves to protect the narcissist's insecure and fragile ego by externalizing unacceptable and shameful internal material. This rejected content is then projected onto those closest to them, who become lightning rods for these disowned feelings.
Narcissists over-rely on multiple defenses, including denial, rationalization, and reaction formation.
Beyond projection, narcissists frequently employ other defense mechanisms such as denial and rationalization. Reaction formation, where someone takes an extreme stance opposite to their true feelings or desires, is also common, all in service of protecting their public image over their internal reality.
Focusing on appearances helps narcissists conceal their internal psychological disarray.
The narcissist's emphasis on superficial appearances is a strategy to safeguard their internal world. They prioritize presenting a flawless external image, believing that if their outward presentation is good, their internal psychological issues will remain hidden from others.
Recognizing projection allows one to take the high road, pitying the narcissist's fragility.
Understanding that projection is a defense mechanism enables individuals to respond with a quiet inner smile and a sense of pity for the narcissist's fragility. It reframes the confusing accusations as a desperate attempt to externalize chaotic inner feelings.
Normal individuals catch their projections, apologize, and work to restore trust after ruptures.
In contrast to narcissists, when most people recognize they have projected something, they take responsibility. They apologize, show empathy for any confusion or upset caused, and make efforts to repair the relationship rupture and rebuild trust.
The gaslighting statements listed are meant to confuse and invalidate the target's reality.
Classical gaslighting statements include phrases like 'stop being so sensitive,' 'that never happened,' 'you need help,' 'why are you always so angry,' 'no one will ever love you,' 'I'm sorry you choose to feel that way,' and 'you don't really feel that way.' These are designed to make the target doubt their own perceptions and emotions.
Understanding and Identifying Gaslighting
Gaslighting originates from a film where a husband manipulates his wife into doubting her sanity.
The term 'gaslighting' comes from the 1938 play and subsequent film 'Gaslight,' where a husband manipulates the lights and denies events to make his wife believe she is losing her mind. This manipulation erodes her grip on reality.
Gaslighting is the deliberate or non-deliberate doubting of another person's reality.
Simply put, gaslighting is the process of making someone question their own reality, perception, or sanity. This can be achieved through denial, contradiction, manipulation, and other tactics designed to induce confusion and self-doubt.
Classical gaslighting directly denies the target's reality, leading to self-doubt and power imbalance.
This form of gaslighting involves outright denial, such as saying 'that never happened' or 'you have no right to feel that way.' It's a hallmark of narcissistic relationships, ensuring the narcissist retains all the power by controlling the narrative and making the target question their own experience.
Withholding involves refusing to discuss issues, leading to self-silencing and fear.
When a narcissist responds to a topic with, 'I'm not going to talk to you if you bring that up again,' it's withholding. This tactic silences the individual, making them afraid to voice their needs, doubt themselves, and fear losing the relationship, especially if they experienced similar abuse in childhood.
Contradicting distorts memories and makes the target question their recollection of events.
This type of gaslighting involves telling someone they don't remember a situation correctly, like denying a specific event occurred as recalled. It forces the target to fact-check, leading them to feel like a private detective in their own life, constantly doubting their own memory.
Diversion involves changing the subject to make the narcissist look good at the target's expense.
In diversion gaslighting, the narcissist shifts focus to something that portrays them positively while making the target look bad. They might bring up past mistakes of the target or guilt-trip them by recounting their own sacrifices, avoiding accountability for the original issue.
Minimization downplays the target's feelings, making them seem petty or overly sensitive.
This tactic involves downplaying the target's emotions or concerns, framing them as trivial or exaggerated. Statements like 'you're being petty' or 'other people have it worse' are used to make the target feel insignificant and invalidate their feelings.
Gaslighting involves moving goalposts and enforcing double standards for themselves and others.
Narcissists constantly shift the rules and reality of a situation ('moving the goalposts'). They apply one set of rules to themselves and another to others, often labeling attempts to point out inconsistency as pettiness or insults, prioritizing winning over relational integrity.
Physical gaslighting involves downplaying physical actions to avoid accountability.
When physical interaction becomes aggressive, like a partner grabbing someone's arm, the narcissist might engage in physical gaslighting by saying 'stop exaggerating, it didn't hurt' or 'stop being so sensitive.' This dismisses the physical impact and induces fear.
Gaslighting by proxy occurs when enablers gaslight on behalf of the narcissist.
This involves others—like enabling family members, colleagues, or friends—making excuses for the narcissist's behavior. They might say things like 'he didn't mean it' or 'he's just trying to push us,' effectively gaslighting the target for the benefit of the narcissist.
Gaslighting by tribe involves a network confirming the narcissist's narrative and invalidating the victim.
Gaslighting by tribe happens when a group (family, workplace, friends) sides with the narcissist, telling the victim their experience isn't real or significant. This collective invalidation isolates the victim and reinforces the narcissist's version of reality, often calling the victim disloyal for speaking out.
Children are highly susceptible to gaslighting due to their innate trust in parental figures.
Children are particularly vulnerable to gaslighting because they naturally trust their parents and haven't developed cynicism about manipulative behavior. They often internalize the parent's skewed reality due to a need for safety and validation.
Gaslighting bosses can jeopardize careers and mental health by forcing targets to take blame.
In a work context, gaslighting bosses can cause immense career and mental health damage. Targets may be forced to accept blame for the boss's errors or errors of those the boss wishes to protect, creating a feeling of being trapped in a distorted reality.
Long-term gaslighting can lead to self-gaslighting and denial of one's own emotions.
After prolonged exposure to gaslighting, individuals may begin to gaslight themselves. They might numb their feelings or deny their emotional responses, stating 'this isn't upsetting me,' as a coping mechanism developed over years of having their reality invalidated.
Narcissists gaslight to protect their fragile egos and maintain control over their constructed reality.
The core reason narcissists gaslight is ego protection. Other people's realities are perceived as threats to their carefully constructed false self. By denying or altering reality, they maintain a sense of power and avoid dealing with uncomfortable feelings associated with their own potential responsibility for others' pain.
People fall for gaslighting due to prior experiences, empathy, fear of abandonment, or lack of awareness.
Vulnerability to gaslighting stems from factors like prior gaslighting experiences normalizing it, the tendency to offer second chances, fear of abandonment, not recognizing gaslighting as a tactic, or simply not knowing it exists. Many people only understand it decades later.
When gaslit, resist defending yourself; instead, internally affirm your reality and note the manipulation.
If experiencing gaslighting, avoid engaging in arguments or defending yourself. Instead, maintain an internal stance on your reality, show a neutral expression ('Mona Lisa smile'), and mentally acknowledge the gaslighting. Recognize that vulnerability should not be shared with such individuals, as they will weaponize it.
Trying to convince a narcissist of your reality is futile and often results in further gaslighting.
Attempting to reason with a narcissist or show them evidence like texts is a common mistake. They rarely concede; instead, they typically double down, accuse you of fighting dirty, and escalate the gaslighting, effectively trapping you in a cycle of manipulation.
The 'gaslighting test' is realizing you constantly need proof (recordings, texts) to trust your own memory.
A key indicator of being gaslighted is when you start regularly collecting evidence like text messages, emails, or voice recordings during arguments. This signals that you no longer trust your own reality or memory due to the constant confusion induced by gaslighting.
If you cannot leave a gaslighting situation, recognize it, seek support, and protect your reality.
If leaving a gaslighting situation isn't immediately possible, awareness is key. Seek external support systems that act as 'accurate mirrors' to validate your reality. Stop handing your subjective experience over to the narcissist and firmly own your perception of truth.
Triangulation: The Narcissist's Psychological Threesome
Triangulation is a non-consensual psychological threesome used by narcissists to control situations.
Triangulation is a manipulative tactic where a narcissist involves a third party in a dynamic between two people. They use this to create chaos and then position themselves as the problem-solver or hero, thereby controlling the situation and individuals involved.
In families, triangulation often involves a 'Golden Child' and a 'Scapegoat' dynamic.
A common form of family triangulation involves a narcissistic parent treating children differently, often designating one as the favored 'Golden Child' and another as the poorly treated 'Scapegoat.' This fosters alliances between the parent and each child separately, creating mistrust among siblings.
Sibling rivalries are fueled by triangulation, preventing united fronts against the narcissist.
The differential treatment in family triangulation pits siblings against each other, often leading them to compete for the narcissistic parent's approval. This prevents them from forming alliances or supporting each other, allowing the narcissist to maintain control.
In intimate relationships, triangulation occurs through comparisons to ex-partners or idealized individuals.
Narcissists triangulate in romantic relationships by comparing their partner to exes, friends, or colleagues. Casual mentions of someone's 'amazing' work-life balance or physique can undermine the partner's self-esteem and create feelings of inadequacy, giving the narcissist power.
Social media likes, comments, and references to others can be forms of triangulation.
Even without knowing the third party, triangulation can occur through social media. A narcissist liking inappropriate photos of others, excessively praising a celebrity's appearance, or frequently mentioning specific individuals can create discomfort and triangulate the partner into an unwanted dynamic.
Reliance on external opinions (family, friends) for relationship issues is another form of triangulation.
When a narcissist continuously brings in the opinions of their parents, siblings, or friends when discussing issues relevant only to their intimate relationship, it's triangulation. This pits the partner's needs and desires against those of the outside 'tribe,' making the relationship feel crowded and manipulated.
Toxic workplaces thrive on triangulation, leading to gossip, mistrust, and paranoia.
Narcissistic leaders often foster triangulation in the workplace through gossip, secret meetings, and excluding individuals from communications. This cultivates an environment of suspicion and paranoia where employees can't trust each other, allowing the leader to maintain power through chaos.
Narcissists view people as chess pieces, making them adept at strategic manipulation through triangulation.
The narcissist's ability to see people as objects or game pieces enables their natural inclination towards triangulation. They strategically move individuals around, much like chess pieces, to trap or outmaneuver others, prioritizing strategic gain over personal connection or ethical conduct.
Chronic triangulation can lead victims to trust the narcissist as an ally against others.
As triangulation persists, victims may begin to see the narcissist as their sole ally, mistrusting everyone else. The narcissist skillfully crafts narratives, turning individuals against each other while presenting themselves as the only trustworthy source of information, fostering dependency.
In divorce, narcissistic parents may use triangulation for parental alienation and to recruit allies.
During separation or divorce, narcissistic parents often engage in triangulation by spreading gossip about the other spouse or turning other family members (like 'flying monkeys') against them. This recruits allies who believe the narcissist's narrative and turn against the targeted parent.
Infidelity can be a form of triangulation, used to destabilize a partner.
Engaging in an extramarital affair is a direct form of triangulation. The narcissist may even justify it by claiming the spouse wasn't attentive enough, using the affair partner to fulfill their need for attention (narcissistic supply) and destabilize the existing relationship.
Narcissists triangulate to gain attention, validation, power, and control by creating chaos.
The fundamental 'why' behind narcissistic triangulation is the pursuit of desired traits: attention, validation, power, and control. They thrive on the chaos generated, viewing themselves as puppet masters controlling their world, workplace, or family through manipulative dynamics.
Triangulated dynamics can be seductive, drawing people in with a sense of secrecy and uniqueness.
Despite the negative impact, triangulated systems can be alluring. Narcissists' charm may make individuals feel privy to secrets or part of something special. This conspiratorial approach, often involving gossip, can mask the underlying manipulation where the narcissist is the primary beneficiary of the chaos.
Blocking triangulation involves preventing dissent and fostering unity among those being manipulated.
To counter triangulation, individuals must refuse to be drawn into the narcissist's divisive tactics. This means siblings banding together, colleagues uniting against a toxic leader, or recognizing the game when comparisons are made. Recognizing the pattern and questioning the desire to be part of such dynamics is key.
Transforming triangles into balanced shapes (lines, squares, circles) requires unity against the narcissist.
The power of triangulation lies in its structure, with one pole holding all control. When those being triangulated recognize the pattern and unite, they destabilize the narcissist. This requires pushing past old hurts and actively breaking these dynamics, even if they originated in childhood.
Healthy relationships do not involve triangulation or invalidating a partner's feelings.
In a healthy relationship, a partner would not bring you into a triangulated situation or dismiss your feelings with phrases like 'you're being too sensitive.' Recognizing when you are being pulled into a triangle and questioning the dynamic is crucial for maintaining your own reality and well-being.
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Past Questions
Craving Attention and Control
Individuals may seek attention, validation, power, and control.
These individuals often thrive on the chaos they create, manipulating others like puppets and treating relationships and environments like a chessboard to maintain a sense of control.
Projection as a Defense Mechanism
Accusing others of lying and manipulation is a defense mechanism.
When someone is accused of the very behaviors they themselves engage in, it's a primitive defense called projection, not necessarily conscious gaslighting.
Projection involves assigning unacceptable thoughts or feelings to others.
This defense protects the ego by projecting negative aspects onto someone else. It's an unconscious process, akin to an uncontrollable outburst, making the projector unwilling to take ownership when confronted.
Projection is common in narcissistic personalities.
For individuals with fragile egos, projection is a primary defense to protect their core self. It's a defense mechanism deeply explored by psychological theorists like Freud.
Everyone engages in projection at times, but narcissists over-rely on it.
While normal, projection becomes problematic when it's the primary way of relating. Narcissists use it constantly due to their fragile egos, often denying or gaslighting when confronted, rather than apologizing.
Projection can be a difficult, confusing experience for the recipient.
Being accused of things one hasn't done, like feeling angry when calm, can feel disorienting. However, understanding projection can provide insight into the projector's inner world.
Recognizing projection can offer a 'useful parlor trick'.
If accusations are inaccurate, they reflect the projector's own internal state. For instance, being called jealous may indicate the accuser is jealous.
Projection can be a sign of the projector's own behaviors.
False accusations, such as infidelity, may indicate the projector is considering or engaging in that behavior themselves.
Projectors are often unaware of their actions.
Confronting or discussing projection with the projector is usually unproductive, as they are often unconscious of their behavior and may escalate by gaslighting further.
Other Defense Mechanisms Used by Narcissists
Narcissists utilize multiple defense mechanisms beyond projection.
These include denial, rationalization, and reaction formation, where they adopt an opposite stance to cover their true feelings. Their focus on appearances masks internal turmoil.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting involves doubting and denying another person's reality.
Originating from a play, it's a form of manipulation causing the victim to question their own sanity and perception, often characterized by phrases like 'You're being too sensitive.'
Classical gaslighting is outright denial of reality.
Statements like 'That never happened' or 'You have no right to feel that way' are common, leading to self-doubt and confusion for the victim.
Withholding involves refusing to discuss certain topics.
Threatening to withdraw communication if certain issues are brought up leads to self-censoring and self-doubt in the victim.
Contradicting challenges the victim's memory of events.
Telling someone they don't remember an event correctly makes them question their own recollection, sometimes leading them to seek external proof.
Diversion shifts the subject to make the gaslighter look good.
This involves changing the topic or bringing up past shames of the victim to deflect from the current issue.
Minimization dampens the victim's feelings.
Telling someone they are being petty or that others have it worse minimizes their emotional experience.
Gaslighting shifts reality and changes rules mid-game.
Narcissists adjust reality to their advantage, creating different standards for themselves and others.
Physical gaslighting involves minimizing physical actions.
When physical actions cause harm, the gaslighter might dismiss it as exaggeration or sensitivity.
Gaslighting by proxy involves others spreading the gaslighter's narrative.
Enablers, friends, or family members may make excuses for the narcissist's behavior.
Gaslighting by tribe involves a group invalidating the victim's experience.
A network of people dismisses the victim's reality, often telling them they are disloyal for criticizing the abuser.
Victims may internalize gaslighting and gaslight themselves.
Over time, victims may start denying their own emotions and perceptions due to constant invalidation.
Narcissists gaslight to protect their fragile egos.
They construct a reality that maintains their power, threatening their sense of self when confronted with others' realities.
Reasons for falling for gaslighting include past experiences and fear of abandonment.
Growing up with gaslighting, being a 'nice person', or fearing loss can make individuals susceptible. Lack of awareness also plays a role.
Responding to gaslighting involves not defending oneself and holding onto one's reality.
Avoid trying to convince the gaslighter; instead, internally affirm your reality and limit vulnerability. Recording interactions can serve as a reality check.
Triangulation
Triangulation introduces a third party into a two-person dynamic without consent.
It's a manipulation tactic used to create chaos and exert control, allowing the narcissist to appear as a savior.
In families, triangulation involves favoring certain children.
A narcissistic parent might designate a 'golden child' and a 'scapegoat', fostering mistrust and alliances between family members.
In relationships, it involves unfavorable comparisons.
Partners may be compared to ex-partners, colleagues, or friends, making them feel inadequate and giving the narcissist perceived power.
Social media can facilitate triangulation.
Inappropriate likes or comments on others' posts can be a form of triangulation, even if the third party is unknown to the victim.
Triangulation in the workplace creates mistrust and paranoia.
Gossip, secret meetings, and favoritism foster an environment where employees suspect each other, benefiting the narcissistic leader.
Narcissists view people as game pieces in triangulation.
They strategically move 'pieces' to create conflict and control, much like in chess, not recognizing the personal impact on individuals.
Victims may begin to trust the narcissist over others.
As triangulation escalates, the narcissist becomes the perceived ally, while others are viewed with suspicion, solidifying the narcissist's narrative control.
Triangulation is common in divorce and family estrangement.
Narcissistic parents may involve family members in gossip or turn them against the other spouse, a tactic related to 'flying monkeys'.
Infidelity can be a form of triangulation.
The narcissist may use an extramarital affair to destabilize the partner, justifying it by claiming unmet needs.
Narcissists triangulate for attention, validation, power, and control.
Chaos generated by triangulation feeds their need for control and allows them to manipulate others like puppets.
Triangulated systems can be seductive but damaging.
The allure of secrets and the narcissist's charisma draw people in, often without realizing the manipulative game being played.
Blocking triangulation involves fostering unity and recognizing the game.
United fronts, whether among siblings, colleagues, or partners, can destabilize the narcissist's power. Recognizing the pattern is a key step.
